Title: The Only True Adventure
Fandom: Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis, Crossover
Rating: PG-13 maybe (partial nudity/language)
Main Characters/Pairings: Evan Lorne, Cameron Mitchell, Evan/Cameron
Spoilers: All of SG-1 and SGA (honestly nothing spoilery though)
Warnings: Possibly AU?
Length: 2044 words
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis belong to MGM. This is a work of fiction and lest we forget Fiction = False, Fake, Not Real (and any of those other handy dandy synonyms found in Webster’s big book.)
A/N: This story is told from Evan’s POV and is a re-working of an older piece of writing that I had done in the TW fandom three years ago. Spruced up as a Christmas gift for my sister-from-another-mother brneyestx.
A/N2: MODS-----Can I have an Author Tag, please? I have an Artist one...but no Author one. Thank you! :]
“You okay, Ev?” He asks, brushing his fingers delicately along my bare back, down to the edge of my jeans and then returning their path upwards over my spine.
My head rests on Cameron’s chest, bodies melting together on the couch in front of an open fire. Just being together, enjoying our time with each other. Time that was growing shorter with each tick of the clock.
“M’fine,” I mumble into his warm skin, relishing in the feel of our naked chests pressing close. Clinging to that feeling.
“What are you thinking about?” Cam pries, not letting my comment drop, disturbing the peaceful moment we were having after our shared dinner. The meal we’d finally been able to have once we returned from an offworld mission…full of running. And flying. And nearly getting blown up. Time spent wearing the armor of Colonel Cameron Mitchell and Major Evan Lorne.
It’s stupid but I really don’t want to voice my concerns to Cam. They are petty and he will no doubt think I’m dumb for letting them run amok in my head.
Even though my time here on Earth will be over next weekend, my almost 6-month loan back to the SCG completed, I will still see Cam. I know I will. I keep telling myself that we will find a way.
Just how often is the question? I’ll be back in Atlantis again, doing my duty to the citizen’s of the Pegasus Galaxy. And, although I can justify coming back Earthside once, maybe twice a month now that we have a full contingency of ZPM’s, it would look awful strange for me to show up more than that. People know Cam and I have become good friends since I have been here and that he, along with Colonel Sheppard, are my mentor’s in a lot of ways…no one outside of Dr. Lam is aware of the other side of our relationship.
The one which has moments like right now, Cameron Mitchell resting below me, his arms secure around my upper body.
And for our sakes, no one can know that side. Yeah, DADT was repealed and all that, but Cam is still my commanding officer. There are rules against that sort of thing.
Hell, I am sure there are those that believe we are more than just friends, but luckily for me Cam is such a nice guy, sociable with everyone, that it doesn’t look odd when he directs the attention towards me. Daniel, Sam and Teal’c are so used to it by now; I don’t think they hardly even notice anymore. Vala just keeps winking at me all of the time. Definitely suspect that she knows. Doesn’t surprise me though.
There’s nothing behind the random touches or extra few minutes he takes with me. It doesn’t mean anything. Purely harmless. There is no way that he turns me right on with just a glance. That the small touch of our hands or legs brushing against each other while simply sitting in a post-mission debrief, will shoot off the sparks that have never failed to be there.
Yeah right. I am such a terrible liar. It all matters. Every little bit of him and our time together.
As his fingers graze over the base of my hair line, he whispers, “Evan, talk to me.”
“It’s nothing, Cam,” I answer, knowing full well that there is no appeasing him. He’ll wring my concerns out of me before long. Wear me down until I confess how much I am going to miss him. How scared I am at times that if he is away from me for too long that he will realize what he has with me is not worth the risks.
“If you think any harder, they will probably hear you back on PX-493,” he chuckles and sits us up a little. I am still resting on his chest, but his body is now propped up in the corner of the couch. “You’ve been unnaturally quiet all day. What’s wrong?”
Letting my lips drift gently over his skin, I offer quietly, “Kind of hard to compete for attention when Vala is around.” It is all done with a small smile on my face that I know Cam will be able to feel.
“We’ll find a way, Evan.”
My head shoots up at his comment. “But how?” I ask. His features are echoing how I feel and I haven’t said a word aloud to him about it.
“You don’t think you are the only one who is going to miss someone are you?”
“No,” I mutter sitting up in-between his legs. That’s exactly how I have been feeling though. He will be so busy with missions and SG-1 will be with him quite a bit of the time. He won’t be alone.
“I know you took a whack on the head today, are you sure Dr. Lam cleared you?” Cam’s trademark smile is lighting up his face, his fingers lacing their way through the belt loops of my jeans, trying but failing to pull me back to him. “And you won’t even notice I’ll be gone anyway.”
My eyebrow arches up at his comment. Yeah, I will have my own missions, back on Atlantis- saving Colonel Sheppard and his team, and then doing all of the paperwork that follows. Escorting Dr. Parrish to categorize new and exciting alien flora and fauna. Keeping Lt. Cadman from bruising up too many of the new Marines.
So, in other words, business as usual. Still leaves me plenty of time to notice what is missing.
Shit, I am really acting like an ass about all of this. Cam doesn’t need this from me. I’m supposed to be his fun release. His way to get unstressed from the cares of the job.
“I’m sorry,” I say, hanging my head to my chest, defeat entering my voice.
His fingers reach under my chin and lift it up to meet his steely blue gaze. “You don’t have anything to apologize for. I just wish I would have realized sooner how much this was affecting you.”
“You don’t have to baby me, Cam. I’m a big boy.”
“Don’t I know that…”
Giving him a serious glare wipes the cheeky expression from his face and I continue, “You didn’t sign up for me acting like a pussy over something like this. Forget I said anything at all. I’ll be fine.” When my words finish I rise off the couch and reach for my t-shirt and leather jacket that are lying on the chair next to us.
“Where are you going?”
“Back to my apartment. I think it’s for the best. You’ve got an early mission scheduledi n the morning.” Completely dressed, I grab my keys from the coffee table and start towards the door, knowing I am leaving a distressed Cam in my wake. Not knowing what to say to make the moment better. Messing shit up seems to be a reoccurring theme for me.
As I reach the door, I feel his strong hands rest on my hips. “Evan, don’t go.”
If I turn around I will never walk out the door. Well, I will but it will be tomorrow morning.
Isn’t that what you want though, Evan? To stay? Yes. However, the deeper I get into this, the harder it is to let go. Cameron will never be fully mine, part of him will always belong to the USAF and I accept that. Always have. It’s just hard sometimes.
Sighing, I turn to face Cam, who places his palm to my cheek. Without being prompted, I lean into his touch. I doubt he realizes how much control he has over me.
“We’ll figure something out. We always do. Unless you don’t want this anymore,” he says, his expression pleading and hesitant.
“I want you.”
“Then why are you running away from me?”
“I’m not… Okay, maybe I am. It’s just I’ve never had to do this before.”
“And I have?” He questions, smirking at me. “I may joke around with a lot of people but outside of Sam, Daniel, and Teal’c…well, people don’t see the real me. The uncertain me.”
“I see him,” I reply, returning Cam’s gesture to me of placing my hand along his cheek, noting that he made the same indulgence as I did. Leaning into the contact. Allowing me a concession that he doesn’t make for everyone. Touching his face and neck.
With a slight pull, I bring Cameron’s lips to mine and tenderly press in a kiss.
“But Cam, it’s more than just me seeing you,” I say once he has opened his eyes after our brief kiss and met my gaze again. “If we are going to do this…”
I try not to sigh and then realize Cam is just as unsure about all of this as I am. Vulnerable. He has SG-1 though. Someone to fall back on when all of this comes crashing down around us. Because inevitably it will. Nothing good ever seems to last in my life. Better I be the only one to suffer and just end things now before I get in any deeper than I am.
Pulling away from Cam, I reach for the door handle and open it to the night beyond. “Maybe this is all just a mistake.”
He lets me take a few steps away from him before his hand slips into mine. “I can’t do this alone, Evan.”
“You won’t have too.”
“But you will and I don’t want that. Don’t leave me.” Cam’s hand is squeezing tight to mine. Holding onto me like a lifeline.
“I need more Cam. I need you to see me too. Need you to need me.” And fuck all if I don’t sound like a cheap eighties rock song.
“If not letting you walk out of my door isn’t proof that I need you, that I see you, then I don’t know what is.”
“Dammit Evan, I love you!”
The words hang between us like stony silence. Frozen in time. If I reach out I feel like I can almost touch them. Pull them down and put them in my pocket to remember days from now.
Cam isn’t one to just blurt out something he doesn’t mean. I can tell from the shock on his face that he did not expect to say what he did but that he honestly doesn’t regret it.
Hell, I frankly did not expect him to say it. I know that I love him, knew after a couple of months with him, which is why this being away from him, this attempt to walk away from him, hurts so much.
“Say something, Evan,” he begs me, worry and fear clouding his vision and filling his voice.
There are not words to express the emotions flowing around me. I let my body do my talking, bringing Cam to me after I close the door to the darkness. Hands, lips, skin, and fingers form the letters that my mouth fails to produce.
“Come to bed with me?” He asks in-between random kisses. Even though there is usually some type of ulterior motive behind words like those, Cam’s words are not implying them at the moment. He wants to be held. I want to be held. We will hold each other. Just like we were. Like we will need to do.
Letting him guide me towards the bedroom, hand firmly in his; I try to only think of positives. We’ve made this work so far. It’s been difficult and I am sure there will be more moments.
But at least we will give it a try.
Love is the only true adventure after all.